How to choose a good melon

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So, you came to the farmer’s market looking for a melon, despite your terrible record with avocados and buying shoes online. Well, since you’re already there, you might as well try following these simple guidelines to help you pick a good one.

Check the weight

You want to choose a melon that looks heavy for its size. Take one and measure its weight. Are you OK? Don’t know what the correct weight for a melon is? Pick up more and check them out too. It won’t help you find the right one, but it will make the buyer next to you believe that you know what you’re doing.

Look for faults

Some melon skin blemishes are bad, like cracks and bruises. Others are good, like sugar spots and pollination spots. Learning the difference would require you to be someone with better farming and decision-making skills, so you should probably skip this step.

Find a place in the field

Find a watermelon and look for the yellow spot that indicates it has ripened in the field. The unblemished watermelons were ripened by levitation in a special warehouse in Area 51, and because the aliens were so focused on the development of time travel, they know very little about growing the fruit.

Smell the melon

Does it smell good or just like the skin of a melon? Don’t ask the person standing next to you to smell it for you, just grab a few melons and do it yourself. A watermelon should have a slightly sweet smell, like candy. A cantaloupe must smell slightly musky, like a college student who has just discovered cologne. It doesn’t matter what a honeydew smells like, as it will always end up as a filling fruit, alone and intact at the bottom of the bowl.

Tap the melon

Does that sound hollow, or is it just the sound of your existential fear of picking the wrong melon day after day until you die?

Take a break

Other people at the farmer’s market are starting to wonder why you’ve touched almost all the melons and still haven’t bought one, so now is a good time to go. Go buy a basil plant or other CBD pickles, then head to another fruit stand, ideally opposite the market.

Try again

Once at the new stand, pick up a cantaloupe and inspect its skin: is it beige but not green? Firm but not too firm? Soft but not too soft? Are you starting to wonder if it’s possible the aliens will have time to travel into the future to see if the melon you’re holding will actually be good? Unfortunately, the answer is no.

Inspect the rod

Eliminate melons that still have a stalk attached. Yes, the little shriveled button makes the melon cute and can come in handy when decorating your little free library for Halloween, but it also means the melon was harvested too early. If you buy it, you’ve just made another disastrous lifestyle choice.

Look for good shape

Keep an eye out for a melon that is uniform in shape, but not strangely uniform. A diamond-shaped melon is just some kind of alien joke.

Ask for help

Because you’ve been at the farmers market for over an hour now and still haven’t selected a melon, it’s time to ask the fruit seller for help. Ask him to show what the hollow sounds sound like. Listen to five melons that all sound the same, then give up and pick one at random, just like you do with romantic partners.

Go with your purchase

Go home, cut your melon into slices and find that it is overripe. You must not have followed any of the guidelines correctly. Either that or someone at the local farmer’s market has a secret vendetta against you for hanging out and touching all the fruits.


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